Blogging. Believe it or not i have been writing a bit over the last month and a half, but sometimes it feels like a chore. And sometimes i have no wifi. And the days with good wifi and interest in writing aren't that plentiful. And oh... did you see that sunset? And mm Tanduay rum and poker night is more fun.

Also - I am not sure that the current layout of the blog still works as my life evolves. Dickz. yeah i have a ton of ridonkulous lessons in dating still to impart, but i am dating a dick who is not such a dick most of the time. So do i write about us under Dickz? 

Travel... well that is my whole life now. Finances and work and life all revolve around where we are and where next might be, so do I add a section for that?

Promise: I am going to back-date what I did write and post it at some point but the size of that job increases with time. The next goal is to make sure that the blog reflects me and where I am going right now. For the short term here's the soundbite version of the last 2 months:

  • Circus school was a haven for relaxation and not getting shit done. 24/7 there was mellow thai weed in the pagoda, there were parties every night (a BIG PARTY at least twice a week), and one of the highest ratios of humans getting laid:humans I've ever seen, perhaps 1.4?
  • Kittens are definitely funding ISIS, specifically Drugz
  • Travel from Pai, Thailand to Palawan, Philippines was a true testament to our relationship - we meandered off the most direct path many times (ooh a cock fight... ooh a 3 day cargo ship trip...) and only fought 2, max 3 times
  • The world does not end when I don't regularly workout, my butt gets more juicy and i still fit all the same clothes
  • Divemaster school is not as easy as imagined. Night dives are terrifying. And i am not good at everything in the entire world as once suspected
  • You can in fact blow off a chunk of your finger with a firecracker, and it might just happen on a cliche night like NYE
  • Being in a relationship centered around travel + living together is a huge test but the personal growth it allows can be mind blowing
  • The magical, creative place where fiction + reality collide can be as simple as this... (special love to Xavier - pictured for the photos, memories + writeup on his site) 

The Love Study

My new guy and I sat face-to-face answering a series of increasingly personal questions. By question 27, he professed his love to me. No. This was way too much, way too soon. How'd we get into such a mess?

Two months earlier, my mom had sent me an article about falling in love with anyone (even a stranger) after answering a series of questions together, then staring into their eyes for four solid minutes without looking away. At the time I wasn't dating anyone, but saved the article just-in-case.

A month later, I took the leap onto at a time when pretty much everything in my life was on a track I had chosen and I wasn't even that interested in dating (reverse psychology, but my thoughts were to put myself out there when I was least needy in order to attract the right, non-needy people).

Sure enough the 2nd person I met was all-in for the Lulu-Package. I saw signs of deep insecurity in him and even pulled back a few times letting him know that I thought he was more into me than I him. But he let me know that I would definitely come around (and I quote... "I can't wait for you to realize how good I am for you"). So we persisted. About 4 weeks in we threw all sheets to the wind and decided to do The Love Study.

Not shockingly, the study opens you up with some pretty intense questions that lead into intense conversation, connection and vulnerability. Additionally, I don't think most wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am bros would be like, "Ya babe, I def. wanna do a love study with you for 2-3 hours. sweetnezz." So by agreeing to take the test both parties are probably open to the idea of loving one another. 

Most of the time I ignore the emotional and tender side of myself and so it was a great surprise to both of us when I burst out in tears to question 26, complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “. My answer was olive's death. my 9 year old bulldog. How apropos that the next question read If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know. To which he answered "I love you..." (I returned the sentiment because you kinda have to at that point and also I was feeling all of the feels, ugh).

Amazingly, I think the true outcome of the test was me falling more in love with me. (narcissistic applause ensues.) But you know what? I had to let Olive go in June (1 month after I ended things with stage-27-clinger, more stories on that to follow), and I had one of my very best girlfriends in the world by my side, holding my hand, crying right along with me. I think the love study works, but not like you'd expect.