Improvements

I said I could drive. I never said I drove well.

my handiwork

my handiwork

Accordingly, within 3 days of arriving here in Montenegro I drove the jumper van off the road. In the middle of the night. On a mountain. Alone. 

My lack of depth perception has resulted in similar scenarios in the past: off the side of a cliff, hitting a house, and bashing into the cement pillar at the Walden Galleria (and that was just my first year driving. Curious? Read about it here).

Driving vs. Dating

As it turns out, there are quite a few parallels between my driving and dating styles. I can't really see where I'm going, avoid it when possible, but when I start, am fully committed, even though I can't really see where the edge is. This has led to some dramatic and cataclysmic breakups. The good news is that I might be improving at one of these - and it isn't driving. 

lulakilla-old-logo-blogger-travel.png

Back in February I co-branded this blog with my then-boyfriend of military background, hence the old grenade logo.  But I think it's pretty apparent that my "killa" side has almost nothing to do with violence, and not for lack of trying. I stabbed a tarantula to death in the Philippines with a machete, yet to this day, feel bad about it. I've gone vegetarian, and am debating doing the vegan thing. And oh, the dogs. In Portugal I volunteered 4 days a week at sanctuaries and found an endless supply of love. So goodbye grenade logo and hello perfect, new design, crafted by the oh-so-talented Maggie based on my tattoo that Nini @ NINja Ink created (pictured below, in case you have forgotten what my ass looks like). 

Maybe most important, in a recent relationship, I opened myself up to be honest and vulnerable. When incompatibilities came up I didn't lash out, get nasty or run to another guy as a quick fix. And do you know what? I'm beginning to think my small heart grew three sizes.

Forever Alone

"If a girl is in her 30s and still single there's a reason."

Yes. She chose to be that way. 

This is a real-life quote from pest* (and so many other men and women, and fuck it, even me a few years ago). Pest and I have attempted to date about 26 times in the last 2 years and I finally pulled the plug for good this week by choosing a female date over him for a wedding. Lackluster just doesn't even begin to describe his history of dating me, but maybe some of our texts through the years can help to paint the picture:

Back to the topic at hand. Marriage. "You know I'm going to marry you" has been the rallying cry I have heard from 5 or so of my exes, not counting many instances where the conversation has been broached with other fellas. I am so grateful I did not get married yet. Thank. Fucking. GOD. I have changed so much since I was 21 that any of those relationships would have been doomed. At this point I am a frugal mustachian who doesn't drink that often, isn't sure about kids, and am gearing up for a month in Southeast Asia next March (from which I may not return). NONE of my exes shared that vision and I didn't even have an inkling of it as recent as 1 year ago. 

Even more interestingly, the person I am becoming is a very acquired taste. I do not appeal to most men anymore and that's in fact a pretty awesome thing... Just last night a hot guy was hitting on me at a wedding and when I started talking about mustachian life and early retirement he told me it sounded like a cult... NEXT. As an aside, personal finances isn't light first conversation talk (oh wineeeee) but it certainly weeded him out quickly enough.

I was lamenting these facts a bit today (how my dating pool has shrunk so exponentially with my new roadmap + goals) and mom told me a quote she heard from Aunt Linda. It's just perfect:

"I no longer care about if someone likes me. more importantly, do i like them?"

*name changed for confidentiality

gettin bendy + giving zero fucks

gettin bendy + giving zero fucks

Futurez

Future planning, what a glorious thing. At 21 it seemed perfectly reasonable to be married and knocked up by 30...

5 years and 2 weeks ago i recalibrated my goals. I was 26 then and thought of my biggest and best dreams, they scared me, delighted me, and made me so excited for the future. By now i am supposed to be married and have child 1.

It's funny how priorities and dreams change. I read those goals now and although the same key themes are present in my life, the specifics are so vastly different!

Things that are the same:

  • Financial goals (kinda the same)
  • Career goals, #killin those
  • An interest in exploration, locally + worldly
  • An interest in meaningful, deep relationships
  • Still a total romantic, it's going to happen... Someday

Things that are different:

  • Friends have changed
  • I don't want to own HOMES (and definitely not the luxury ones I had mapped out)
  • Kids? Not even sure at all...
  • An extreme jump-off into frugality

This is the way I see my goals now, same exercise but different execution:

goals world map watercolor best things