I wrote the following 39 days before I *jumped ship* on my structured life (noted below). And did so with a man who in some ways is just so much what I should not be dating (he dumped me when I was sick, 8 days into our 20 day trip) - but weirdly... Somehow... It's working. I'm really not even trying to explain it. Anyway here was me, trying to fix me, before I repeated what has fucked me up, yet again.
My general existence is very planned and orderly - work, gym, outdoor exercise, reading, work, side-work, sleep, friends. But also batshit crazy. This means that my life equation generally nets out positive, however there are 1-3 monkey wrenches per year that fucq my shiz up. Let's call those monkey wrenches men. Not all men. Most men come into and are spat from my life easier than a wad of gum. But these monkey wrenches... man, they throw me for a total loop, I'll forfeit sleep, watch my phone, jump when they say how high, throw my goals and plans out the window. Their usual profile is as follows:
- Older than me
- Dreamer with big, fun plans
- Obnoxiously hot
- We share a weird other-worldly chemistry
- Annoy me at first, then quickly expose an emotional side that makes me want to save their life and make everything ok
- Generally a pretty messed up history with their dad (sometimes mom)
There have been 3 extreme cases of these men and about 6 smaller bouts.
Note: Poor man choices is not my only area for improvement, I specifically have work to do on my general anxieties which lead me to binge eat, face pick, have a reactionary attitude, be fairly self-unforgiving, and also chronic masturbation (jk that isn't a problem).