Brownie Delight

"You want in on this?"
"?"
"We're making brownies from scratch in the kitchen."

To be fair, I'd probably want in on any of the zany ideas that arose here at circus camp but BROWNIES?! F yes. A few of us then proceed to make brownies out of chocolate sauce, eggs, butter, flour and brown sugar. The color is a bit light and the consistency is pudding-ish but this is Northern Thailand and there are no brownie mixes nor dark chocolate that I am aware of. As I dig in on licking the bowl, the manager asks me, "So, umm do you trust the eggs in Thailand?" Hm, no-ish but I'm on day 3 of the typical Southeast Asia ailment of "peeing from my butt", so what harm could it do...?

At 3am I'm in the bathroom again. At 4 I'm tossing in bed w a fever and my hearts racing. T comes back and comforts me as best he can but notices my elevated heart rate (of course he does, these human ticks are exactly what he's trained in). 

"What is wrong and what is going through your head?" To be fair the physical responses are mainly due to the world of shit I put into my mouth that night after already being sick (spicy Thai family meal, brownie batter, brownies, 1 large Chang, some chips, some more nachos...). But it has also hit me - in Boston I had created a safety net for myself. no person or job or romantic interest could shake the stability I had set up for myself. A lovely apartment, supportive friends, financial freedom, autonomy, an active and fit lifestyle. I've surrendered that for this crazy adventure we are on and we are still only just getting to know one another! Being sick had magnified that because I wanted to be cared for a little bit, and holy shit I don't have a safety net. I've opted out of that. 

I explain this to him in not so many words (or maybe more, it's 4am, who knows) and he says "These situations bring out the best in people, when they are learning how to survive."

How true. My heartbeats slow down a little and I'm able to sleep.